PHOTOGRAPHED BY MARIA DEL RIO
I’d assumed it would take at least a few attempts to get pregnant, so I should have been happy when I conceived almost immediately. And I was. For four days.
I hadn’t yet taken a pregnancy test, but I track my ovulation and cycle very carefully, and when my period didn’t arrive, I just knew. Every time I went to pee and still didn’t have my period, I’d text “Still pregnant!” to my boyfriend. I floated around, imagining how I was carrying the little cells, feeling how special my body was in taking care of them while they grew into the baby we wanted.
And then, the fourth day after my missed period, I was suddenly crying myself to sleep. “Being Pregnant” and “Having A Baby” loomed ahead like a black hole. I didn’t know it yet, but I was suffering from prenatal depression, which I’d never even heard of. I continued in ignorance about this clinical condition, which I now know affects between 14 and 23% of pregnant women, for another 10 weeks.
Prenatal depression is the stealthiest of emotional pickpockets, robbing every milestone of its happiness. When it came time to officially take a pregnancy test a week later, I was overwhelmed with dread just looking at the box. I peed on the stick, left it in the bathroom without looking at it, and went back to bed to stare at the wall. There were three possible scenarios: carrying the pregnancy to term, having an abortion, or magically time-traveling to a point when I wasn’t pregnant. I was rooting for the third, and looking at the test was going to make that impossible.
I texted a photograph of the positive test indicator to my mom, with no message, and spent the rest of the afternoon hoping my boyfriend would talk me into a better state. We made a list of all the things pregnancy was preventing me from doing. It was admittedly a pretty short list. Unable to find an excuse for how I was feeling, I had to carry on Being Pregnant and Having a Baby.
PHOTOGRAPHED BY GUNNAR LARSON.
I delivered the news to family and friends with the same level of enthusiasm as I might have shown if I’d been sharing wallpaper samples, but everyone was thrilled for me. Even though I knew it was customary to wait until the end of the first trimester, I told the news to colleagues, taxi drivers, shop assistants, anyone — hoping to suck up happy reactions by osmosis. I met the congratulations with a calm reminder that lots of pregnancies didn’t make it to the critical 12-week point. By some sleight of mind, I also managed to pretend to myself that it wasn’t happening at all.
I hated myself for my fickleness. It was as if pregnancy had turned the floodlights on character flaws I never even knew I had. How could I be so un-self-aware, irresponsible, and selfish, dragging my partner and an unborn baby into a fleeting whim?
My behavior became even more at odds with my constant sharing of the news. I couldn’t be bothered to eat, I stayed in bed, I was tearful and withdrawn. I hauled myself to social events only if I absolutely couldn’t cancel, and I generally disappeared from view. I made excuses not to see my doctor and start the process of check-ups, silently hoping for a miscarriage in the meantime. After two years of tearful goodbyes whenever I visited my gorgeous nieces, hoping motherhood was in the cards for me, now I suddenly kept bringing up the fact we still had time to terminate. By then, my boyfriend had also told family and was devastated at the prospect of not having the baby. But I was too removed to care. I wasn’t just tearful over sentimental TV ads or picking fights about unloading the dishwasher; it was a constant loop in my head of I don’t want this. I DON’T WANT this. I DON’T.
And then, on my boyfriend’s birthday, I’d retreated to bed because pretending to be cheerful was only possible in shifts, and I needed a cry break. A random internet search led me to a Dr. Google diagnosis: prenatal, antenatal, or prepartum depression. A multitude of different terms dedicated to describing a condition I had never heard anyone talk about. I lay in bed reading, tears rolling down my face at the stories of women who had faced the same predicament. For the first time, I felt relief. Diagnosing myself with prenatal depression was as close to feeling happy as I could get.